Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Good friends don't let stupid friends use Ebay.

Okay. So begins my tale of Ebay bravery!

I've been Ebaying for a long time. I love Ebay because I can generally find good deals on things, I can locate items that I can't seem to find anywhere else, and so I can buy back toys from my childhood that I lost long ago while convincing my husband that they are for my son and not for me.

I buy clothes, I buy yarn. I buy those stupid figurines that you get from Red Rose Tea that I have started to collect. I sometimes buy shit that I don't really need, but once in a while, I run across something that I have to have, and I snipe it, which is when you bid in the last few seconds of an auction and no one has a chance to respond or bid.

Sniping gives me a rush. Sniping makes me smile. Sniping people out of the widgets they wanted so badly makes me happy.

I'll be honest with you. When I have won an auction and I am basquing in the glow of the aftersnipe, and doing my "I win at Ebay" dance behind my computer chair, it's very rare that I take the time to consider the possibility that I might have sniped an object away from someone that literally means life or death to someone.

Case in point: my new shirts. Oh how I love them. And they're all mine. Unfortunately when I won this auction, I got more than I bargained for. I got hate mail. And it's not the first hate mail I have ever received, mind you....but now I have a blog, and with that blog I can share this hate mail with others!

Anyway, while I was doing my Ebay dance last week after auction end, someone, somewhere, was contemplating about how I had just ruined their life. Yes. I ruined their life. And soon, the emails began. User ID's have been changed to protect the parties involved. /smirk:

Dear sxxxxxxxxxxxx,

i just want to let you know that what you did was cruel. i did not even have a chance to bid higher than you. people who dont bid legally like you should be banned from ebay and i will be reporting you.


OMG!!! Cruel? Illegal? Banned from Ebay?? This can't be! So I put on my nice Ebayer hat and sent the poor soul a friendly email back.

Dear hxxxxxx,

I'm sorry that the auction was unpleasant for you. Sniping, which is the method I utilized during that auction, is perfectly acceptable as a "legal" form of bidding at Ebay.

I have Ebayed for a long time and I have found that a good rule of thumb to follow when bidding is to Bid once, Bid late, and Bid your max.

Since you seem to be fairly new to Ebay, this is a common tactic that you should be aware of so you will be prepared in the future.

Happy Ebaying!


There! That was really nice of me to offer advice to this new Ebayer, and I was even quite pleasant about it. I've gotten hate mail before, so this is nothing new to me, and this is generally my canned response, and usually, that is the end of that.

Sometimes though, they can't let go. Sometimes, they will say anything to make you feel like shit and riddled with guilt. Like the lady last Halloween who sent me an email because I sniped a Blues Clues costume that she had wanted for her special needs son. I felt guilty and contacted the seller who was confused because the same lady had contacted her telling her the same story, only it involved a dying niece, not a special needs son. See how that works? Okay. Now that you understand that, we can move on to the response I got:

Dear sxxxxxxxxxxxx,

what you did was cruel. i suffer from terminal cancer and i have less than 3 months to live and i really needed those clothes. i hope your happy and i hope you rot in hell.


Umm. WTF? You know, I was expecting a cheerful response, thanking me for being so dang nice. And I got this. And then I started having flashbacks from the Blues Clues costume. And I sat for a bit and fumed over this. And then I got really pissed. And then I sent her back an email.

Dear hxxxxxxx,

Ok! We need to clarify a couple things because you apparently have some misconceptions about me.

First of all, I am not Miss Cleo. In addition, I am not affiliated in anyway to the Psychic Friends Network. Because of this, I have no way of knowing when someone I am bidding against has a disease or when the item I have won means life or death to someone, as apparently this item does to you.

Second, you must think I'm a real dumbass. If I had less than three months to live, there is no way I would be sitting on my ass behind my computer, bidding on a lot of 23 shirts for the summer, because with the time frame you gave me, you'd be lucky to receive them before you bite the dust, let alone get the chance to wear them, unless you're planning a fashion show to accompany your funeral.

You ma'am, are full of dog doo, and while I will agree that there is something seriously wrong with you, I highly doubt that you're going to die from it.

I won, the end, let it go. On Ebay there are a million auctions for you to bid on, and a million other users that may possibly fall for your sob story. I suggest you get started on them.

Happy Ebaying,


It is important to note that this poor, dying, hate-mail sending soul is currently bidding on 3 lots of clothes, 2 CDs, 1 quilt kit, some auto parts and some rock concert tickets for somewhere on the west coast that's taking place at the end of July. I had to take the time to look at the items she was bidding on to be sure that she was full of crap before I sent her a blazing e-mail accusing her of it, and sure enough, this woman is on an Ebay shopping spree that would make most husbands clutch their wallet in fright. The last time I checked, she is currently winning a large handful of auctions, and the current total for all of them together is $468, and most of those auctions still have a few days to go. Hope she lives long enough to see them end!

Maybe you CAN take it with you when you go!

I felt much better after clicking the "send" button on the above e-mail. I figured it was done, but low and behold, I checked my e-mail later on, and found this:

Dear sxxxxxxxxxxxx,

you are a bitch and nothing but an ebay bully.


This was when I threw my hands up in the air and decided that some folks, no matter how much you hold their hands, are never EVER going to get it.

Remember people!! Good friends don't let stupid friends use Ebay.

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